I have two psychologists. One works here, in the states and the other is overseas. I have worked with each of them – back and forth for almost ten years.
Prior to seeing them, I had seen about two handfuls of therapists. At that time, I didn’t know how to verbalize that I didn’t connect with them and that I wasn’t ready to start therapy. I told my parents that I didn’t like them and that I didn’t feel like talking.
I remember starting with my first therapist (in this post) when I was in my mid-teens. I didn’t choose her specifically, my mother had. She was opening up her practice and I was one of her very first patients. I started my therapy journey with her, telling her about my past, my parents, my life and my lack of self esteem. To say I was a struggling teen, was an understatement.
I was still hesitant to therapy at that point – to opening up about the truths in my past, but I most certainly gave her more information than I had ever shared before. I connected with her and I eventually trusted her.
At some point over the next few years, my insurance changed, which meant that I had to change therapists. I saw my second therapist. I didn’t feel comfortable with her. She was what I considered perfect: thin, blonde hair and blue eyes. I felt intimidated and couldn’t wait until our sessions were over.
I went back and forth between the two for many years.
When I got ‘caught’, my attorney suggested that I go back into therapy, so I did. I went directly back to the second psychologist (only because the first was out on maternity leave). I called her up and explained that out of everyone I could think of, I trusted her and hoped I would be able to get in. I knew that she knew my past and might possibly understand some of what I was going to face.
I can still remember the first session I had with her, this time around. I told her what I had done and where I was in the legal process. Her eyes were calm – they never showed shock or surprise. And once I finished telling her what I needed to, she told me that she was not surprised I had done what I had. She said that based on prior sessions, prior knowledge of me – it made sense.
She never judged me – I know this to be true. I trust her. All the fears I held prior quickly flew away. It felt like she and I were both new people, that nothing in the past mattered. I had to deal with the here and now. I had to deal with the original questioning from the police, being arrested, going through court and then finally being sentenced for what I had done.
She worked with me each time – each session I went into with tears rolling down my cheeks – each session I went to that I simply didn’t understand what was going on – each session I went to that was interrupted by phone calls from the detective – sessions with phone calls from people checking on me.
While most people would say that this is what she gets paid for, I will say that it’s not. She is inspirational to me and has been a large part of my recovery. You cannot pay someone to be non-judgmental, especially while everyone else in my life was. She was the most real person I have ever encountered.
At this point though, she has moved overseas and I’m currently working with my first therapist.
