a very wonderful day

I got thinking about opening up a resourceful place for those that have gotten into trouble, as I had. I’ve been thinking about it all day.

I remember being asked by a woman at the court house, after being released, about going into their rehab. It was a court appointed group – basically a psychologist that I would’ve seen for the duration of my hearings.

I agreed to the program, asked that I continue seeing my psychologist and went about my way. I remember feeling that what the court/the state offered, wasn’t good enough. I wished their were more resources to choose from. I remember feeling that if others were not given this option, that they’d probably go back to scamming.

Going through the legal aspect of what I had done, was terrifying. For someone that had never gotten into legal trouble, any trouble really, to go through this, was scary.

I wish there were a rehab I could’ve gone to. I wish I could’ve gone to a quiet setting and to have had therapy as much as I wanted, when I wanted it. I wish there was a place I could’ve gone to with others like me around. I wish that I was surrounded by others that I could’ve trusted with this information. I wish so badly that I had all of these things.

I’m fortunate to have had what I did – that make huge improvements in my life. I’m thankful for the therapist I had, the few people that supported me. But really, I wish I had more people that I trusted through this, I trusted only one.

Perhaps someday, I will do this. My dream is to help others that will travel the same path as I did or those that feel they need to go in that direction. I fully believe in people hitting their rock bottom because it’s often what we need, but the padding on that bottom should be a little softer. And as they rise, I believe they should have people around them that are understanding and forgiving. How else would we expect anyone of this nature, to go back into society and not repeat what they’ve done – without help?

One day, this dream will come true. One day, I will have the people I need in order to complete this dream. I will pull all of the talented and artistic folks I know and trust - to help go into this direction. I will pull the smartest and kindest, the most forgiving and safe - that's what 'we' needed - that's what 'we' deserve.

Missing Germany

There are time throughout the day - that I just sit and think. Something hits my heart and all of a sudden, I go backwards.

Tonight, I miss Germany - or better yet, the person (my psychologist) in Germany.

Therapy is supposed to be about opening up, discovering and working through and on things. Right now, it is very much a place to go to in order to talk about the problems that occurred in the few weeks since my last visit. It is not her fault what so ever - I think it's just the mix of 'us'. We don't mix well, although I trust her and would rather see her at this point, than to start all over with a stranger.

Prior, therapy was 'my spot' to go to when I felt any emotion that I thought I needed to work through. It is the place that I felt safe - felt at home. I trusted that ‘Germany’ was telling me what I needed to know - that she was guiding me into the future I was meant to be in.

There are several people that have told me that they thought that the relationship between Germany and I wasn't good - wasn't healthy. I had one person (meaning well) tell me that she is causing me more harm than good at this point - that I should look towards backing away.

Our 'relationship' was never 'normal'. She always cared more than I thought any other therapist would. She went above and beyond what someone in her position would. She has a very big heart and hugely inspirational.

I never thought we were 'friends' or anything of the like. I most definitely always thought we were 'therapist' and 'client' - although not the 'normal' type. And I most definitely think that's okay. I think that having a 'normal' psychologist would have been the wrong thing for me at that time. I needed someone human. I needed someone that saw me as a real person. I needed someone to understand the pain I went through as I walked down the street, went into work - after getting arrested. I needed someone to watch television shows that pertained to my situation - to be able to put themselves in my shoes.

And she did this - she did all of this. She talked me through a really rough time while shopping for refrigerators. She called me after watching the television show I was questioning her about. She offered me comfort in so many forms - one of the most used being hugs. I was in desperate in need of physical comfort - not getting it from family or friends - not feeling safe with others. I trusted her - I felt safe with her.

I miss her ... from the safety and comfort to the understanding and non-judgmental point of view. There just aren't many out there that are like her. I wish more were - people would be a bit more successful in their recovery - their healing.

I'm fortunate - to have had her throughout my life. I'm appreciative of all the hard work she put into therapy with me - it surely wasn't easy. I'm thankful that I was able to find someone like her to help me and be there for me in my recovery. I'm glad I got the care and concern - mainly because I could have gone in a completely different direction if it were anything else, even a little different.

I hope that others that have gone down or will soon go down the same path I have - will find someone like that in their lives - will be open to trusting and taking in that kind of caring.

My life would be completely different if I had gone somewhere different - with someone different. I'm afraid it may not have been positive by any means.

thankful Thursday

I was talking to my manager the other day - we were going to serve one of my employees a corrective for stealing time from the company. We went back and forth with it - going over what we were going to say and how we were going to say it. He wasn't really going over what he was going to say, but just giving me the experience.

I told him that I believe everyone comes to the point in their life when they realize that making mistakes is okay - that poor judgment is okay ... that we need to recognize it and move forward. He agreed and we talked more about how we thought this fit in with that particular employee ... how she's not quite in that time of her life right now.

He thought we were talking about my employee - and we were, but it fit into my own life as well. I'm currently at a point in my life that I call out my mistakes. If you ask me about what I've done - I will tell you that I made poor choices. I won't necessarily talk about the details but I will tell you that I wish I could take them back. All the mistakes that I would have lied about - to make myself seem better or to not get into trouble, now doesn't matter.

There (usually) comes a point in everyone's life that they simply don't care if others know about their mistakes. It doesn't make a bit of difference. I believe we all are imperfect - we all make mistakes - we all make choices that simply aren't the best ... but it doesn't make it okay for others to judge us or make fun of us.

This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for the mistakes I've made. I'm thankful that they made me a stronger and wiser person. I'm thankful that they have made me a more honest person. If I continued going down that same path - things would be different - things would have been more serious. I'm thankful that I got into a bit of trouble - just the bit in which I got was enough to get the message across. I don't wish these mistakes upon anyone. I don't wish a person get arrested or in trouble that way - however, you come out changed in the end. You come out smarter and more appreciative of the things you have in your life.

I'm, of course, thankful for family and friends - for people loving me more than I sometimes do myself. I'm thankful for my psychologists - for showing me a future that I could have never imagined to be true. I'm thankful I'm surrounded by people that have gone through similar things. I'm thankful that I've woken up for as many years as I have - I'm thankful to be breathing and alive. I'm thankful I've struggled - I'm thankful I've gone through challenges that most others haven't - I have one up on them!

I'm thankful for the love and caring I'm able to show others and that is shown to me. I'm thankful for those that are understanding, forgiving and are like me - mistake makers! I'm thankful for the beauty I get to see everyday around me - in my life, in my community, in my world!

Thanksgiving Eve

I worked all day today – went in early morning and stayed quite late.

At the end of the day, I went around and wished quite a few folks a Happy Thanksgiving.

There is something entirely significant about this holiday, about this season. Everyone seems so much more appreciative of people and of things.

My heart swells when I think of the team that works for me. I appreciate the work that they do for me and for the company. Without their help - their hard work - our team wouldn't be what it is.

I wanted to hug each of them today, to thank them for just being themselves. Some for still being so innocent, others for being so experienced. I’m thankful that some are hilarious to work with and others are so generic. My team is so diverse, so wonderful and so great to work with!

Thankfulness is running through me!

$11,500 so far

There is a blog I found a few days ago that is touching to my heart.

A little girl, Lydia, has asked her mother if they can adopt a little girl named Darya from Russia. Darya has Down Syndrome and is waiting for a home. Lydia has four siblings, two adopted and two biological and loves them immensely - you can just tell through her writing. Her mother told her that they can adopt Darya if they raised $20,000 by Thanksgiving - giving her a short time to raise the money. She is trying her hardest and relying on God to provide for this. Neighbors, friends, classmates, strangers from all over the world have donated to help bring Darya - a little girl that has never experienced the love of a family - home.

Lydia has so much faith - has so much peace in her heart. She has no worries as to how this will turn out. She knows it will turn out in the way she hoped. Please jump over to her mother's blog - read the words written by a faithful little girl ...

http://the30dayjourneyforhope.blogspot.com/

And if you have a moment - and a few dollars ... please open your hearts and give to this wonderful family. So far, they've raised $11,500. This little girl with the biggest heart is trying so hard - trying to find a way - for her 'sister' to come home.

Lydia holds the heart of someone so much older than she is - her dreams however, make her so young. She dreams as any young child would - believing that anything is possible if you try. So many adults are tainted with thinking that they cannot do whatever they dream. Lydia has encouraged me, has inspired me and will most certainly receive my check in the mail.

I hope those that read their story, Lydia's story - will want to do the same.

being able to ask

I was reading a forum today and was taken back by what one member wrote. She was writing to inform others of a certain person that had emotionally scammed her and her family. After describing the person, she wrote the following:

“I confronted her today by phone and she went ballistic. But it was nice to finally ask one of these scammers ;Why are you doing this?’ even if she cussed and hung up on me.”

I want these people to know what our reasons are – although I believe that everyone’s story is different – that their reasons are different.

To put mine in just a few words, I did this because I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel cared about and wanted to feel wanted.

I’m not sure why I chose adoption – why I chose to find these things in adopting parents. I remember sitting in my high school career center and looking at profiles of adopting couples. I did not contact anyone until two or so years later. It was never in my mind to go ahead and lie to these folks, I remember feeling really badly for them, for not being able to have children and to be waiting for an expectant mother to find them.

I remember, a few years down the road from that - I was at work, sitting in the phone booth area and dialing the number of the first person I ever contacted. I remember being nervous to call, but wanting to call. The conversation was short. But I got so much out of it. The emails - I got so much out of them too.

For as far back as I can remember, I had no control over anyone loving and caring for me. It just didn’t happen as it should have, from my family. It seems that I had control over this and I could make sure that I was being loved and cared about. And it felt nice. It was also very ‘safe’ because that person wasn’t close to me – both in distance and in emotion.

I soaked up the caring and was doing really well emotionally for the first time, unfortunately at the loss and pain of someone else. After this particular situation was over, I did not understand what her loss looked like – I couldn’t see it. I didn’t know what it meant to her and to her family to want a baby – to have it in reach and then have that loss.

I didn’t know what it meant at all until I was emotionally more on track with individuals my age. The moment that I was in front of one of the people I hurt, it became apparent. I looked in her face, in her eyes and the pain was huge. I couldn’t not notice how much I had hurt her.

For some, they won't be able to see the pain they are causing until it's brought right in front of them - until they are able to be face to face with someone they've hurt. Because for some, only when you look at the pain that is apparent throughout their entire body - it just makes sense, they know what they've done. It won't stop everyone (because again, everyone has their own reasons for doing this) but those who are genuine, those who are suffering themselves - most will be able to tell.

struggling

Last night, I had a dream about the person I wrote the letter to.

In it, one of us called the other and we were chatting on the phone. Things seemed a little fuzzy in who we were and what we were talking about.

In the midst of my dream, I went over to her home and saw that she had a son – a little blonde haired boy around the age of four or five.

I kept staring at him and staring back at her.

We tried talking, but for someone reason, who I was, wasn’t apparent.

I felt very outside of this dream. I felt very unsafe in this dream. When I awoke this morning, those feelings were brought into my day. My safety feels like it has been rocked and I’ve been in a funky mood all day. And as I wondered if my letter had made it’s way to her home, I wondered if she ever moved back to the state in which she once lived. Right now, we live in the same state. The letter should’ve been there by now.

I never thought for a moment that their wouldn’t be a response to this letter. I know her very well – she knows me. Last we spoke, several years ago – things were fine. She was the last one to contact. I didn’t answer the phone because I was in therapy, but she left a message after one of my court proceedings.

Her message was encouraging, therapeutic and uplifting. The contents of it, I will not share, but she mentioned in it that from that point - she was hoping for a new start for the both of us.

My emotions and feelings have changed over the past few years. I will assume hers have as well. I cannot assume that she is not angry, that she doesn’t hold the feelings from what I’ve done. And with that, I also cannot assume that she hasn’t moved on. She might have. She might not want to reenter this time again. Perhaps she has gotten her closure – whatever she needed to move on.

For me, I haven’t. There is no closure to this and I hope that contacting her will provide that, even if I don’t get a response. I can’t seem to find my way out of whatever I’m in, without it.

an adoption scammer is …

There are two main types of adoption scammers (probably more) – I'll see if I can break it down.

Type 1 - is not pregnant and has emotional/mental reasons behind the reason they are pretending to be.

Type 2 - is pregnant (or not) and is looking to gain financial help during their pregnancy, but is not looking to place their child for adoption, but says they are.

I fall into type 1. There are emotional reasons why I made the decisions I did - why I ended up hurting several families. I didn't understand those reasons until much after I got caught and arrested. Even now, as I go through the different level of emotions, I am still unsure. Different parts of my past, part of my growing up - alter the way I feel about what I've done. The more I work through those past situations - the more I feel differently about what I did.

I'm not familiar with those who are in the 'type 2' category. I have read of people who have done that, but am not one myself - so will not focus on that.

I've heard people call us lots of different things, different names and place us under different categories. That is their feelings toward us - and that is fine. I'm not here to try to convince anyone that they should think one way of us. I do however, hope that people are able to step into my shoes or someone else like me - to take a moment and try to understand where we came from.

I remember reading a post on a forum about emotional scammers. It said that we were heartless, we lacked a conscious. It said that we were evil and it focused on how people like me were not worth existence or happiness. One poster wrote that we should be thrown in jail for our lifetime - that perhaps death would be more suitable.

I know that it all came from folks that have been hurt before by people like myself ... probably some that had recently been hurt. I am not sure how often something like this happens, but I've read many stories. I know that it doesn't happen to everyone. I think that everyone is different - both adopting families and adoption scammers ... that no two situations are alike. Emotions run differently, feelings are different, results are different. One person may be understanding towards the individual that scammed them and another might want death as their punishment.

In my own situation - I had several different types of people that were involved. I had one person that was all for the publicity of it and thought that going through those avenues would heal her heart. There was another family in which wrote a few emails expressing their sadness and heartbreak to me. There were two families that were told through their agency 'who I was' and what they thought I was doing. And because it went through them, we both weren't able to contact the other. And then the last person, understood. She really didn't understand why I made the choices I did, but was able to step back and forgive me for what I had done - for the pain I had caused her.

We, emotional scammers, are told many things - to our face, in emails, through forums, etc. about what others feel we are. But I will tell you what we are and what we are not ... I wrote this about two years ago:

"People don't understand so many things about emotional scammers. I've read so many things about us and how you analyze why we do it. You're all wrong.

You don't understand what we're going through unless you've gone through it yourself. We are not evil and we do not deserve to be punished in the way you all hope. How dare someone be punished in that way when they were trying to connect with someone? Instead of using your energy for punishment, please use it to try and get them help.

Getting angry with emotional scammers and 'threatening' them means nothing. We will come back at you another way. All we are looking for is someone to care about us because we either don't have anyone that does or we don't recognize it. If you're all as real as you say that you are, you will understand that everyone makes mistakes. And in our attempt to be loved - if we are redirected with understanding rather than hate - we will succeed. If you want us out of your lives and of those like you, please do this for us.

You may embarrass us by splashing our faces on the news, but you don't realize we've dealt and are dealing with pain that is worse than that. Our pain has always been deeper. I don't think you realize that when you talk badly about us or say mean things, you put is in the exact same place we started. You are causing us to reach out in another way. For those who don't have resourceful places, you lead us back to you or others like you.

My question is this: Would you punish your children for wanting to be loved and connected to you or someone else? Of course not. Would you wish them to prison for searching for that in others? Of course you wouldn't. Surely our situation is a bit more complicated, as there is the love and need of a child involved. But did you ever stop and think that someone else wanted something different, but as much as you do?"

I'm thankful that I had a wonderful psychologist to turn to. She was my only support through this. Her patience and her time was greatly appreciated and something I'd never be able to repay. There are times when I went into her office for one simple visit and I came out over an hour later. There are times she has had to speak with folks from the court, write letters to the judge, and to communicate with folks from my case. She was the only person in my life that I could count on and be truthful with. Without her support - I know that I would not have made it to where I am. I would not have made it all.

I know how desperate I was during this time - I know what it feels like for others that have gone through this or are going through this. I know that without professional help - the feelings of hopelessness and uncertainty will be there. I know that if there isn't support or caring from someone through this, they will most certainly fail.

I hope that just one adopting parent that has gone through something similar - will read this and will take a moment before jumping. I don't say no to help from authorities - I don't because I know that by going through all of that, is the only way that I stopped what I was doing. I will hope though, that perhaps these parents have some knowledge on what that scammer may be feeling and going through. We all need someone to be understanding throughout our lives, what makes this, us, any different?

on its way

I imagine that currently in the post office, someone is sorting the mail.

Someone is sorting out states and towns – matching them with others. And soon, in a few short hours, someone is going to jump in their van and deliver that mail.

I imagine that the mailman will drive onto her street and as he walks in this cool fall weather, he will reach into his mailbag and pull out a small thin envelope. He will place it in her mailbox along with a few things of the same nature.

I imagine that a bit later, she will come walking from her home to pick up the mail. She will reach into her mailbox and pull out a few envelopes. I imagine that she will flip through them and stop at the small bright one ... the one with flowers printed on the back flap.

I can imagine her face as she tries to figure out whose writing it is on that envelope – as she looks at the return address. I can imagine her slowly opening it up, pulling out the single sheet of stationary that houses so many deep thoughts and emotions, although it’s clearly not written in that way.

I imagine that she will walk back inside her home as she continues to read it. She may put on some water for a cup of tea – something she often did. She’ll perhaps place the letter down onto the table and think about its contents as she slowly sips at her drink.

But from there, I have no idea how she will react. I don’t know how she’ll feel. I don’t know how this will affect her. I want to believe she will take it okay and perhaps  contact me as I suggested in the letter.

But as I sit here, I worry. I haven’t spoken with her in several years. My reasons for writing the letter aren’t clear to me at the moment, I just felt that it was time. There was something in my heart the other night, something that has been there for a very long time, that I listened to. She has never been far from my mind. I suppose if I were being honest, I think of her, about what I’ve done, on a daily basis.

As I sit here, with large tears forming in my eyes, I’m fearful this will cause more pain than good, to the both of us. I cannot go back now and un-send this letter. When I dropped it in the mailbox, it felt right to do. Just the not knowing what will be on the other side, is difficult. I don’t want to hurt her.

I don’t know where she is emotionally now, several years later. I’m not sure where her life has gone. If she has moved on, I hope this doesn’t bring her down any. That was never my intention with contacting her.

If I close my eyes, I can remember talking with her on the phone. I can remember imagining her surroundings. I can remember hearing her tap her spoon on the end of her coffee cup. I can remember the sounds of her smoking when she got stressed out, after I was arrested. I close my eyes and can remember being held tight by her. I could feel the love that surrounded me in such a difficult time.

I have so many good and bad memories that surround this particular person, but I am quite sure that she doesn’t feel the same. For now, I will lay my head down onto my pillow and try to prepare myself for something or nothing.

anniversary

The 15th of each month is important to me.

No one else would understand its importance though.

It marks the day in which I was released from probation – not this particular month, but most definitely this day.

On the day of my release, after I served my time through that, I celebrated. I asked that all of the people in my life that had supported me through that time, come together for dinner. I wanted to thank them. I wanted them to understand what their support had done for my healing and recovery.

I surrounded myself mostly by family. I had lost and left most of the friends I had prior to that time. I sat surrounded, my family handing me wonderful gifts and cards - all acknowledging the day I had waited for, for so long.

I got home late that night, went outside with several items in my hands. I lit a fire in our outdoor fireplace and as the flames grew larger and larger – I placed a piece of clothing I wore on the day of my arrest, into the fire. I let the shirt disappear in the flames, then the pants. I sat back in my chair and watched as the last two items I had held onto all this time, disappear from my sight – from my life. I had punished myself over and over again with them in my chest of drawers. I pushed them around in my bureau - moving them from drawer to drawer, but could never throw them out.

That night, I sat alone and let the tears fall from my eyes. I let them pour down my cheeks ... letting go of all that I had done, all the mistakes, all the bad choices. I thought of all the people I had hurt - each of their faces jumping into my mind. I cried because I could never make up to them what I had lead them to believe was real. I could never get all of that time back. I could never take back being arrested. I could never turn back and erase the tears my parents cried, the pain I caused them. I could never go back and erase all the self destruction I had endured. I just couldn't go back.

My mind went into a lot of different thoughts that night. I cried because although I had lost everyone in my life - I still had a few wonderful people that supported and loved me regardless. I cried because I had worked so hard to get to that point. I was ready to let go of the hurt. I was ready to let go and forgive myself.

For a while I did forgive myself and that remains for the most part. But it's not always something that stays with me. I still regret and I still wish I could go back. But the other side of that is not wanting to go back. If I could change what I had done to these people - I would. But if that changed, I would not be as strong as I am now. I would not have gotten close to those that I am now. I would not have had to figure out how to pick myself up from the ground. I would not have had to figure out how to cope on my own. I wouldn’t have figured out my past.

Today, I decided that I'm going to contact the last person I hurt. I chose her for many reasons that aren't important right now.

What comes out of this, I have no idea. I want to make sure that she is okay I suppose ... but in many ways, I want to make sure she still forgives me for what I had done so many years ago.

a boy it is

I remember exactly where I was when I found out.

I was the first person they told! My father was the second - my mother third.

He was loved beyond belief from the moment we knew about him!

I had to work the day my sister in law went into labor. But I stopped in before heading out to work. I gave everyone huge hugs and left. I kept calling my mother, asking if she had delivered yet, where she was in labor, etc. I finally got out of work and went right over. We all waited through the night!
Both grandfathers were sleeping. Both grandmothers were pacing the floors and trying to peek in through the main doors. I, the aunt, was thrilled and ready to burst with excitement!

My nephew was born early in the morning on October 12th (two years ago). He weighed just about the same as my brother and sister in law did at their birth.

We all waited and watched as my brother started walking towards us - to tell us he was born. He was smiling wide and going through pictures on his camera to show us.

His beautiful smile lights up my life.

He will never know that his little life was my second chance. Because of the mistakes I had made prior, I didn't feel that people would trust me. My title would most definitely alter things when it came to children. What I did and who I was, were two different things though. My brother and sister in law knew this.

My nephew is every bit of sunshine in my life. He runs up to me, wraps his little arms around my neck and lays his head on my shoulder. He closes his little eyes and lets me take in his sweetness.

He is the most wonderful person in my life. His sweet innocence is vibrant. He is precious beyond belief!

In so many ways, he remains my second chance. What I did, had nothing to do with children, but so many thought that it did. I didn't dare look at a child, talk to a child or find myself around them. I thought that those who knew my mistakes, would judge me and once again start speaking badly of me.

My sweet and wonderful nephew loves me just as I am ... whether or not someone else feels the same, will never matter.

take pride

I remember an email that was sent off to me a while back - the day I finished my probation.

I was looking forward to that day for a really long time. I worked very hard to get to that point. Most of my work was done with my psychologist, Germany (clearly not her name). I saw her weekly, sometimes twice a week if it were a rough week. She understood me, she never judged me, she always knew where I was coming from and why I made the mistakes I had.

She left to go overseas prior to this particular date.

That was extremely difficult. I had just lost my safety. She was, for a very long time, the person I could rely on, trust and count on. I didn't feel like that with anyone else ... and haven't really since.

We had emailed back and forth quite a bit, had a Skype session just before that date also. That day, I was in the middle of writing an email to her. I wanted to thank her for all that she's done for me. She has gone beyond what anyone else in her position would. Just as I sent it, I received an email from her.

She remembered the date - she remembered why it was so important. Her words reached my heart in a way that no one else outside of this would ever understand. They are mine to keep and will not share. I will say though, that I remain surprised that she thought that particular way of me ... that she could see all that she did within me.

I went back the other day and read that email.

I cried.

I held my head in my hands and cried out about what I wish were still in my life.

We talk with each other via email every so often. I heard from her the other day and then once again today. Her words, no matter serious or not, are always refreshing. They have a hint of reassurance and caring in them, no matter the subject. And almost always, a touch of sarcasm!

I wish she were here more often than not ... and hope summer comes quick enough because she is hoping to come back home!

being the mother

For my entire life, my mother hasn't really mothered me. At certain points, I'm sure she did, but I cannot remember one.

My parents most certainly provided my brothers and I with what we needed. We didn't have money by any means, but we got by okay. We had clothing, shelter and food - but I'm afraid that might have been all we had.

My father wasn't around much when I was young - not emotionally. My mother wasn't around much either - not in the motherly fashion.

For so many years, probably starting around 13 - I had to be the mother of my mother. Financially, I was very much responsible. Emotionally, I was the one holding my mother when she cried. Mentally, I had to make decisions and make sense of a lot of 'grown up' things.

In so many ways, I had to grow up much earlier than I should have.

I have no words as to how that has affected my adulthood ... even years down the road, I feel that I do not know how to be the person I am meant to be.

I remember my mother being complimented on how she raised us. This person told her that she was proud of the way we turned out ... that she's glad we turned out this way.

My parents didn't raise us by any means, at least not in a healthy way. We raised ourselves - we had to.

zip lining

There is one person that I have recently connected with at work. For so many reasons, our stories seem the same, although they aren't the same at all.

Today, out of basically nowhere, he mentioned how much he really pays attention to life and to the beautiful things in it. He said that he pays more attention to the small details. He said he thinks that he does so because of being locked up for the amount of time he was.

I knew he went to jail, but we had never talked about it before. He knew I was arrested, that I've recently had some hardships surrounding my situation.

We talked a bit about his story ... how long he was there, why he was there, how he felt.

We talked about feelings during those times ... about how desperate we both felt. He asked me if this still bothers me - I said that it did. He said he could see it all over my face, especially recently. I wanted to just let the tears flow from my eyes - he was right, although I thought I hid it well enough.

He told me that he had gone to rehab a bit back and they all went out zip lining. He said it felt freeing, that it was such a huge dramatic change in things ... he was suggesting that I try something of that too. I told him that there was a point just after finishing up my probation period in which I felt extremely free. I felt like I was on top of the world - that all the progress I've made, mattered. And slowly, I was brought back down and realized that I most certainly still have work to do. He said that I should try something like this - try something big and freeing. He asked me what I thought would 'free' me.

I don't know. I'm not sure I will ever be free from what I've done ... my regret and remorse is still very large. My acceptance of the situation isn't even near as close as I once thought it was. And I don't know what would change that.

I sit here, wanting the pain inside my heart to come flooding out through tears - just so that my insides wouldn't hurt so badly. I have no idea on earth what would free me from these feelings, from the pain and the regret. It's been several years and it hasn't gone away. I want so badly to go ahead with the zip lining - to be 70 feet in the air and be let go of. Something is different about today, about tonight and about the people currently in my life. Not good or bad - just different. However, I'm not sure I could put into words how grateful I am that someone else 'like me' is around me.

There are no words to describe what it feels like to be surrounded by someone that just 'gets' it. No one would understand unless they've walked my shoes. I'm thankful I have this person in my life.

speaking of vacation

Just after I got sentenced at court, I was supposed to go on vacation - clearly out of state ... almost out of the country.
It was the first time I had to get permission from my probation officer in order to leave the state.

I remember sitting in her office, telling her where I was going and what I would be doing there. It was clearly something that had already been planned - something I didn't know I needed permission for and something I really couldn't get out of. It was an important family function - family from all over the country were going to meet in this particular location and spend time with the parents of my step mother.

I remember my probation officer needing approval from her supervisor - because I was new to this 'program' and this was indeed my first visit in her office. Her supervisor stood in the doorway - asked what I had done, where I was going, why I was going and asked if I were going to come back.

First off, I wouldn't have told her if I was planning on fleeing the country!

This was really my very first experience with such limitations.

I remember sitting in that cold and empty office - the only one looking around, trying to get used to this. I was the only one that said 'thank you' to the officer that walked me through the metal detector, also to the woman that told my probation officer I was waiting, and then again on my way out.

I’m still not sure if it was fear from those that were in there, waiting. They barely looked up, stood completely still and never really said a word. Or perhaps something else that made them so cold towards others? It was something I had to get used to. It was something that I didn't really get used to until one of the last visits with her.

a baby is born

Yesterday, a blogger's little girl was born.

Both she and her husband were supposed to fly out in a few days to meet this expectant mother, but everything turned topsy turvy and the baby was born yesterday.

She’s had someone post on her blog while she's away - and most recently posted a picture of their new daughter. She's a tiny little bundle of a baby.

She had an expectant mother choose their family a little while back and then changed her mind and decided to parent.

She was nervous to go ahead with this recent situation - her heart was fragile and still wounded from the failed adoption. I'm glad she went ahead with this one. I'm glad that she was able to open her heart to let this one in. It seems as though everything is working out.

I read adoption blogs. I like them. Those that know what I did - would probably scream that I shouldn't. I probably read them in a different way from everyone else though because not everyone else comes from the place I do.

people that shape your life

Last night, I was working on a project at work - a really detailed and complicated one. I spent several hours at that point just focusing and trying to make sure this 'team building' activity went the way it was supposed to.

Everyone was getting on each others nerves, so I split everyone and told them to take a quick walk, get some air, some water and meet me back in a few.

While they were all away, I got into my phone and realized I had an email ... an email from Dawn. I didn't really recognize it and I didn't believe that it was what it was. I just read on and didn't pay any mind to anything else around me. I had to reread it a few times to get the gist of it and once I did, I smiled widely and told one of my employees near by (also a friend) that I was thrilled, that I just got an email from someone that I didn't expect to hear from.

It seems (if I'm reading correctly) that Germany wants to come home next summer - that she really misses her family here. I thought she'd be home this past summer, but that wasn't the case. Finally, she just might be coming home.

She is the only person I have ever felt safe with, which seems to still be the case. I have waited for that feeling of safety to return all this time, but it hasn't and that's okay.

My new therapist recently told me that she believes she may never see her again. I never believed that. I always knew that one day, we would meet up again - that the last goodbye wasn't final. I will not allow her to become a person of my past - that's just simply not an option.

People that have shaped your life in positive ways - should never be forgotten.

And she never will be.

out of nowhere

Out of nowhere this afternoon, her face came into my mind and I felt compelled to write the letter I have wanted to write. I still have no ideas in my mind on what the contents will be about - I just know that I want to write.

A few weeks ago, I pulled out a note that I had written and never sent. I read the words in it and placed it down. I couldn't send it.

Nothing that I would ever say could reverse time or apologize as loudly as my heart is screaming.

There are times that her face comes into mind and I feel thankful that it was her that I last hurt, rather than someone else that might have been a lot more harsh. I don't think it's right for me to say that my life was meant to be this way - that I was meant to hurt her or anyone else. I made choices in my life that lead me to this point ... good or bad, this is where I am and that is what I did.

I am however, quite thankful that she was in my life - no matter what happened afterwards. For a while, I needed that love and care and she did that for me. She took care of me and she loved me, almost as a mother would her daughter. I needed that.

And in the end, I think she understood that.

lost in show

One of my very favorite television shows ended a few years ago. I often catch a re-run on television at night - and it feels like I have never seen it before. So many of the stories in it remind me of my own life in ways of wishing as well as hoping. There are moments in the show that I so badly wish were real in my own life and sends me off dreaming - still years later.

It has been one of the best television shows for me to watch. Some nights, it was comforting to me - almost as if the mother figure in this show were my own ... I could dream about what I really wanted and deserved in a mother. Some nights, I would get so lost in it - that nothing else seemed real. I would close my eyes, picture myself in this small town, with these people - dreaming that they were just real enough so that the dream would continue.

They were a perfect pair - the perfect match. This mother/daughter duo was exactly what I hoped for and often wished for in my own life.

My mother and I were nothing like this. My mother was very much the opposite and it often killed me because of it. I know that not having my mother growing up, especially through the years that mattered most - was detrimental in how I've grown up. I know that her not being there for me, really on any level, has affected the way I trust and the way I've often searched for people to mother me - to care for me in that way.

I know that not having my mother has affected my entire self. I once read something about a daughter that lost her mother - how her world wasn't the same, that her life and her self was never the same again.

My life wasn't the same after my mother left either.