lost in show

One of my very favorite television shows ended a few years ago. I often catch a re-run on television at night - and it feels like I have never seen it before. So many of the stories in it remind me of my own life in ways of wishing as well as hoping. There are moments in the show that I so badly wish were real in my own life and sends me off dreaming - still years later.

It has been one of the best television shows for me to watch. Some nights, it was comforting to me - almost as if the mother figure in this show were my own ... I could dream about what I really wanted and deserved in a mother. Some nights, I would get so lost in it - that nothing else seemed real. I would close my eyes, picture myself in this small town, with these people - dreaming that they were just real enough so that the dream would continue.

They were a perfect pair - the perfect match. This mother/daughter duo was exactly what I hoped for and often wished for in my own life.

My mother and I were nothing like this. My mother was very much the opposite and it often killed me because of it. I know that not having my mother growing up, especially through the years that mattered most - was detrimental in how I've grown up. I know that her not being there for me, really on any level, has affected the way I trust and the way I've often searched for people to mother me - to care for me in that way.

I know that not having my mother has affected my entire self. I once read something about a daughter that lost her mother - how her world wasn't the same, that her life and her self was never the same again.

My life wasn't the same after my mother left either.