an addiction

There are many adoption blogs that I read, have for a while. I don’t openly follow them, but I’ll check in from time to time – to read about what has been going on in their families.

For me, it’s not really “weird” to follow adoption blogs. The topic has always been interesting to me – and it continues to be. I look at these blogs in a similar way to others, I assume.

It’s not tempting to scam again when I look at adoption blogs, it’s not an option. My addiction was never to hurting people or to adoption specifically, it was always about getting my emotional needs met. And adoption somehow fit into that. The danger for me is instead in feeling lousy. But now, I know how to handle my emotions properly. I know the healthy way to take care of myself,  instead of jumping online to email a family.

I’ve noticed that I can usually tell within a few moments if something isn’t right on these adoption blogs. More often than not, I’m right about the person not being real or having poor intentions. I don’t tell the blogger because that would be awkward. “Hello, I’m an adoption scammer in recovery and I recognize that the person you’re speaking with is likely one also and I just wanted to let you know.” THAT couldn’t happen.

Perhaps one day in the future, things will be different. I don’t know how or in which form it might take place, but I do hope to help others that are a part of adoption. A scammer can recognize another scammer in a completely different way than others can – just as an alcoholic can recognize other alcoholics. The signs are clear … sometimes because of something simple.

I think it’s important to remember that scamming is like any other addiction and people can recover from it. We won’t always be this way, we won’t always continue doing what we’ve done. But in order to overcome that addiction, we do need help – and that help is the most important part of it all.

wish

I’ve been to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

I went at the recommendation of my psychologist many years back – she thought that the topic of addiction and the view of recovery would help.

And it did help me.

I walked in the auditorium of a church, to twenty or so strangers, sat in the back row and watched as most of them stood up to speak. They told stories and explained what they did. They read from a book, some quotes were spoken and everyone had an opportunity to speak if they chose to.

And as the meeting began to close, I remember walking towards the back of the room to leave. I noticed though, that the members weren’t leaving, they were forming a circle, so quickly went back to join them. Each person to the side of me, grabbed my hand and held it tight. We prayed together.

That experience, in the last moments of the meeting, was powerful. I was surrounded by strangers that knew how it felt to be me – to be addicted to something, to have made poor decisions. I connected with these people in a way that I hadn’t ever been able to connect with another.

Just as any other group out there, whether it be a mothers group, a craft group, any support group – the members are all connected because of similar experiences. The support and understanding from those members is unlike any other because of that reason.

I want that.

I want to be a part of an adoption scammers group.

I want to meet someone that has done the same things I have, someone that knows what this feels like. It is so specific and so uncommon (in the grand scheme of things) to come across another person that has scammed  families. It is not spoken about, nor is it a positive thing to be a scammer.

I remember sitting in the holding cell at court with several other women, mostly from the local prison. They were all driven in for their court date and like me, were waiting to see the judge. Each of them asked me what I was there for – and I told them. And for them, it was not a “big deal”. Compared to what they were in there for, I suppose it wasn’t. But being surrounded by these women felt good. It would be the first time my mistakes were accepted by another person. It lead to healing and recovery, for me.

I later worked with a man that spent some time in prison. He was and continues to be the most wonderful man I know. We spoke many times about jail, being arrested – and what all of those things felt like.

Unless you’ve been in the shoes of a scammer, no one can understand why they scammed – just as it is with any other “group” of people. I do believe though, that it’s important to support scammers in finding help via counseling. Often, it’s expected that they simply stop what they’re doing (and never do it again) because they are caught. That’s not the case. It is the first step, but it is definitely not the only thing that needs to be done.

For me, I know that if I wasn’t surrounded by understanding people and a competent and supportive psychologist, I wouldn’t be here, in recovery. It may not be the wish for anyone else, but I wish that every scammer knew another scammer – and that they were provided with counseling. It’s far more complicated than saying or expecting the person to “not do it again”. We don’t expect drug addicts to simply “get over their addiction”. We recognize that they need help to get where they need to be.

Scammers are no different.

disappearing

Tonight, something brought me back to a recent therapy session. In that session, we discussed a part of my past that connected emotionally the events that took place after I scammed.

After our session, I was immediately surprised at how my feelings had changed towards the subject. I didn’t feel uncomfortable talking about what took place (I never really have), but it was more along the lines of understanding what happened and recognizing it as an event in my life.

And tonight while thinking, I realized that their faces are disappearing – the families I hurt. I can no longer imagine them in my mind and I can no longer remember their stories, their lives. So much of who they were, is fading away.

That wasn’t always the case though, it has taken a long time to get to this point. I spent a great deal of time remembering each detail of their story. I held onto each piece I remembered so tightly, almost as if I didn’t – my life wouldn’t make sense. That is how I defined myself, as a scammer.

And realistically, that is what I’ve done, but that is not who I am. I realize now that if we were each defined by our mistakes, none of us would be any good. And if we weren’t going to continuously punish each and every person that made bad choices, then I didn’t deserve that either. The punishment has become enough, it has been a long time. Keeping myself in the same place is not doing any good – for myself or even for those I hurt. They have each moved on, I will too.

Those that have recently been scammed – well, it probably isn’t too pleasant to read of someone to move on so quickly. But I assure you, this was not quick. It has taken me many years to see what I have done and mark it as a bad choice, a mistake. Not to be confused with my regret or remorse – those will always be in tact. But I am no longer allowing my mistakes to hold me back. If we all allowed them to, where would we be?

love

Today I find myself in a spot that I didn't think I'd be in.

I am brought back to so many years ago - and I hate being here. I hate it more than anything in the world. I have not had to relive memories of what I did for many months now. There are times when a memory will arise, but I can now get through them fairly easily.

Today, I read the most wonderful news, therhouse is adopting once again.

Of the many adoption blogs I read, I am most happy for her, for many reasons.

From her blog, I clicked on the expectant mothers blog to read a bit more. Quickly, I noticed the first comment on her post ... Mrs. R wrote in a simple "i love you" to this sweet girl.

I cried. And I continue to cry.

Because I am in the same place I was back then and it is so apparent when I am triggered. For the couple of years I went about scamming people, I was searching for love. I wanted to be loved so badly and didn't feel it from others around me. And now, while I'm technically a healthier person, I still do not feel loved.

I've got control of boundaries and healthy dynamics. I know how to live a productive lifestyle. I know how to keep my emotions in check and what not, but I do not feel love. And I really want to.

The scenario plays over and over in my mind, of the day I was in court with the people I hurt. The last person I scammed came over to me after it was over and held my face in her hands while I cried. She looked at me in the eyes and said that she loved me for ME. And continued to hold me tight until I was able to control my tears.

I have gained so much because of that experience - because of what I've done, but I have not gained any love. Everyone that was in my life at that time, is gone. No one new is in my life.

Somehow, over the past several years, I have made improvements without feeling love. I can recognize myself wanting it, but I don't act upon those 'wants'. With Mrs. R's written word, I could feel the love she had for this girl - it was apparent and so clear. And while scamming is not an option for me to gain that love this time, I can't help but question where in the world I will go to feel it tonight.

to forgive

To forgive is not to forget.

To forgive is really to remember …

that nobody is perfect.

that each of us stumbles when we want so much to stay upright.

that each of us says things we wish we had never said.

that we can all forget that love is more important than being right.

To forgive is really to remember …

that we are so much more than our mistakes.

that we are often more kind and caring.

that accepting another’s flaws can help us accept out own.

To forgive is to remember …

that the odds are pretty good that we might soon need to be forgiven ourselves.

that life sometimes gives us more than we can handle gracefully.

To forgive is to remember …

that we have room in our hearts to begin again …

and again.

(poem not written by me – but cannot find the original author)

an introduction

Recently, I noticed that my blog was linked to the r house, which has sent a few people over here to take a look at what this blog is all about.

In a nutshell, I was an emotional adoption scammer. I have been in recovery from that addiction for many years at this point.

Since I haven’t written in over a year, I feel that it might be time for me to once again, introduce myself to those that have stopped by.

While I’m anonymous on my blog, I write truthfully about the choices and decisions I have made. I started writing for myself, to have an outlet for my thoughts. And as time went on, I realized that there might be someone out there that has an addiction of their own - that might come across what I’ve written. My hope is to help those that have traveled similar paths – to perhaps prepare them and show them what their life would look like if they continue living as they are.

And also, to explain the signs of a scammer to adopting families – to show them what can happen. I don’t have all the information or the answers on this topic, but there is something similar between all of the people that do/have done this.

The reasons that people scam are all different – I only know my own reasons and what in my background lead me to making those choices. Going through this, having done what I did – has been one of the most eye opening experiences I have yet to experience. While I would never wish the same on any individual, I realize that some people need to go down a particular route prior to changing their lives.

If I had the opportunity to relive this part of my life, to go back and change things, I probably wouldn’t. Clearly, I wouldn’t want the people I scammed to live through that again, but having made those decisions has opened my eyes into what needed to be fixed and worked on. I don’t believe that people scam for fun, although it may seem that way – there is almost always an underlying issue that needs dealing with. I’m here because I understand that and I hope that others will also.

signs

I just read a blog - focused on life, but most definitely about adoption. The mother that writes this blog - has adopted two children. Her blog seems to be quite popular - many followers, many sponsors, etc. I sat here, with my laptop warming my lap for hours - as I went through post after post.

I'm not sure I would have continued as far as I did though - if I hadn't seen the post about an adoption scammer. It seems as though, if I'm reading correctly - that her friend was emotionally scammed by a woman a few years back.

This scammer wrote to the blogger with some reasons as to why she did what she did, some signs of someone pretending that they were pregnant, etc.

I am not one to judge those that have made mistakes. I will not judge this girl. I don't know if what she said through that email were correct/true or not. I don't know the circumstances that surround this.

I did, however, recognize her writing - in the way of remembering my initial apologies to the folks I've hurt. I remember writing and saying things just as she did - so at this time, I choose to believe what she is writing - as the words were once my own.

I once thought of putting some signs of how to recognize someone that wasn't real, on this blog. But it seemed odd and silly. This woman, listed signs. And a lot of them are true for a lot of folks that do this. I did them - quite a few of them.

I would say to question most of the following:

* if you're birthmom wants to chat all the time - either through email or on the phone.

I took a lot of time from the folks I talked to. We chatted about any and everything. We talked on weekends, after getting out from work, on their vacations, etc. We didn't text message much, but I believe that was because it wasn't popular at that point.

* if you're birthmom doesn't call your agency (or other form of representation) - however, this doesn't always apply.

I told folks that I was 'afraid' to call, not ready, not sure if I wanted to work with them - so was waiting on calling their agency, etc. However, there is one agency I called - did the inital intake and they asked for no proof of pregnancy. They said that the timing was close to delivery/meeting - that their was no need.

Always get proof - even if their due date is soon.

* if your birthmom has a phone number outside of the state they say they live.

I used my cell phone when calling folks and would tell them that I moved from the state it was listed just a little while before. I usually called folks that lived out of my state.

* if your birthmom cancels appointments/meetings with you or professionals.

When talking with folks from an agency - they (agency) wanted to send out their social worker to meet with me. I would call last minute to 'reschedule' - saying I had to stay in work, traffic, etc.

* if your birthmom doesn't know much about their location.

At times, some folks asked me about the area I lived. (I pretended to live in another state) In that particular conversation, there were a lot of times that I paused because I didn't know the answer - made excuses of 'not traveling much' and not knowing about it.

These are clearly not all of the signs, just a few of them.

I would also say to trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.