disappearing

Tonight, something brought me back to a recent therapy session. In that session, we discussed a part of my past that connected emotionally the events that took place after I scammed.

After our session, I was immediately surprised at how my feelings had changed towards the subject. I didn’t feel uncomfortable talking about what took place (I never really have), but it was more along the lines of understanding what happened and recognizing it as an event in my life.

And tonight while thinking, I realized that their faces are disappearing – the families I hurt. I can no longer imagine them in my mind and I can no longer remember their stories, their lives. So much of who they were, is fading away.

That wasn’t always the case though, it has taken a long time to get to this point. I spent a great deal of time remembering each detail of their story. I held onto each piece I remembered so tightly, almost as if I didn’t – my life wouldn’t make sense. That is how I defined myself, as a scammer.

And realistically, that is what I’ve done, but that is not who I am. I realize now that if we were each defined by our mistakes, none of us would be any good. And if we weren’t going to continuously punish each and every person that made bad choices, then I didn’t deserve that either. The punishment has become enough, it has been a long time. Keeping myself in the same place is not doing any good – for myself or even for those I hurt. They have each moved on, I will too.

Those that have recently been scammed – well, it probably isn’t too pleasant to read of someone to move on so quickly. But I assure you, this was not quick. It has taken me many years to see what I have done and mark it as a bad choice, a mistake. Not to be confused with my regret or remorse – those will always be in tact. But I am no longer allowing my mistakes to hold me back. If we all allowed them to, where would we be?