love

Today I find myself in a spot that I didn't think I'd be in.

I am brought back to so many years ago - and I hate being here. I hate it more than anything in the world. I have not had to relive memories of what I did for many months now. There are times when a memory will arise, but I can now get through them fairly easily.

Today, I read the most wonderful news, therhouse is adopting once again.

Of the many adoption blogs I read, I am most happy for her, for many reasons.

From her blog, I clicked on the expectant mothers blog to read a bit more. Quickly, I noticed the first comment on her post ... Mrs. R wrote in a simple "i love you" to this sweet girl.

I cried. And I continue to cry.

Because I am in the same place I was back then and it is so apparent when I am triggered. For the couple of years I went about scamming people, I was searching for love. I wanted to be loved so badly and didn't feel it from others around me. And now, while I'm technically a healthier person, I still do not feel loved.

I've got control of boundaries and healthy dynamics. I know how to live a productive lifestyle. I know how to keep my emotions in check and what not, but I do not feel love. And I really want to.

The scenario plays over and over in my mind, of the day I was in court with the people I hurt. The last person I scammed came over to me after it was over and held my face in her hands while I cried. She looked at me in the eyes and said that she loved me for ME. And continued to hold me tight until I was able to control my tears.

I have gained so much because of that experience - because of what I've done, but I have not gained any love. Everyone that was in my life at that time, is gone. No one new is in my life.

Somehow, over the past several years, I have made improvements without feeling love. I can recognize myself wanting it, but I don't act upon those 'wants'. With Mrs. R's written word, I could feel the love she had for this girl - it was apparent and so clear. And while scamming is not an option for me to gain that love this time, I can't help but question where in the world I will go to feel it tonight.