normalcy

I'm not sure where the memory came from, but it is definitely in my mind tonight.

I remember waiting for Germany in the office's waiting room - looking at magazines.

She came out shortly after - got her drink ready as she always had prior to our session. She saw that I was reading a magazine with the cover topic of adoption. She mentioned that she saw it earlier and thought I would grab it up and read it.

She didn't say it sarcastically. She didn't say it with mean intentions. She said it as innocently and harmless as possible. She knew the dreams I held in my heart. She didn't see me for the mistakes I had made. She didn't see me as the adoption scammer that I once was ... she treated me normally. She treated me as a human being - as I had never made the mistakes I had.

To have her in my life - to have that consistent normalcy has helped me in my healing and recovery. The memories of those times continue to do a great deal of good in my life. I'm able to hold onto a piece of that ... and bring it into my everyday life.

a quote

"Don't punish yourself for what others have done to you. You're better than them. You're better than you think."
- Mia Tyler

not sharing

There are some things in life that you simply do not share with others ... stories, experiences, and the like.

My story, what I did - I do not share with others. A great deal of people already know about it, but I never bring it up. I often watch my words - being sure not to talk about children, adoption, or criminals. It's just not something that everyone needs to know about - it's personal and private and nothing about it needs to be discussed.

I was arrested in the early evening. I was taken from my home and brought to the holding cell in the local police station. I went to court in the morning and got released after that. I was out by late afternoon.

I remember jumping in the shower and spent a great deal of time lying on my bed. I ignored phone calls and most of everything else. My parents both joined at the house, made me something to eat and stayed around a bit.

I got a phone call shortly after. It was an older friend of mine, someone I would call a 'second mother'. She was out of state on vacation and someone from work called her and told her what happened. She kept on asking me why I didn't tell her that I was in that much trouble - that I would be arrested. I didn't have an answer for her. I just didn't want her to know. It was not something I could come out and say - not something I wanted her to judge me on. She said that she wouldn't have - that she should have known.

I never felt that way - she didn't have to know. Of course she found out, but I wouldn't have told her if it wasn't public information. People will judge you - will judge everyone. It's not right or wrong - it just is.

In the end, she stood by me. She attended my court appointments with me and has seen me cry more times than I could count. At the end of all this, it was okay that she knew - but it was definitely hard going through it. Your trust for anyone goes out the window - it was how I felt about her - about this.

I'm thankful she was who she was - that she did what she did. A time I remember the most, is at a very important part of court - she sat next to me and held my hand. I turned around in my seat and looked in the face of the last person I scammed. I turned back around with tears pouring down my face and she just squeezed my hand harder.

alterations

So many things in my childhood have affected my life - so many things altered who I was - who I am.

My mother left us, my siblings and I, for a bit of time. She emotionally left us for several years, but physically left us for shorter. She was a different kind of mother - I never really understood why she was the way she was.

Many situations stirred up feelings for me. They altered my life - both my mother abandoning me and the others. They have shaped the person I have become ... and will shape the person I will 'be'.

Sometimes I wonder which one has hurt me more. Which one has led me down the path I recently came off of - which one led me to hurting so many people? Which one led me to trying so hard to be loved and cared for? I suppose both - both have left me searching for the love and caring I didn't receive otherwise in my home - not the real, safe, and reliable love.

perfect

"Your past is not your potential. In any hour you can choose to liberate the future."
Marilyn Ferguson

going back

I heard a quote a while back - from someone with an opinion I respect ...

“You did what you did because of what you had. If you would've known better - you would've done better. If you could go back with what you have now, things would be different."

Oh how I miss having someone around that understood, even in complete silence.