zip lining

There is one person that I have recently connected with at work. For so many reasons, our stories seem the same, although they aren't the same at all.

Today, out of basically nowhere, he mentioned how much he really pays attention to life and to the beautiful things in it. He said that he pays more attention to the small details. He said he thinks that he does so because of being locked up for the amount of time he was.

I knew he went to jail, but we had never talked about it before. He knew I was arrested, that I've recently had some hardships surrounding my situation.

We talked a bit about his story ... how long he was there, why he was there, how he felt.

We talked about feelings during those times ... about how desperate we both felt. He asked me if this still bothers me - I said that it did. He said he could see it all over my face, especially recently. I wanted to just let the tears flow from my eyes - he was right, although I thought I hid it well enough.

He told me that he had gone to rehab a bit back and they all went out zip lining. He said it felt freeing, that it was such a huge dramatic change in things ... he was suggesting that I try something of that too. I told him that there was a point just after finishing up my probation period in which I felt extremely free. I felt like I was on top of the world - that all the progress I've made, mattered. And slowly, I was brought back down and realized that I most certainly still have work to do. He said that I should try something like this - try something big and freeing. He asked me what I thought would 'free' me.

I don't know. I'm not sure I will ever be free from what I've done ... my regret and remorse is still very large. My acceptance of the situation isn't even near as close as I once thought it was. And I don't know what would change that.

I sit here, wanting the pain inside my heart to come flooding out through tears - just so that my insides wouldn't hurt so badly. I have no idea on earth what would free me from these feelings, from the pain and the regret. It's been several years and it hasn't gone away. I want so badly to go ahead with the zip lining - to be 70 feet in the air and be let go of. Something is different about today, about tonight and about the people currently in my life. Not good or bad - just different. However, I'm not sure I could put into words how grateful I am that someone else 'like me' is around me.

There are no words to describe what it feels like to be surrounded by someone that just 'gets' it. No one would understand unless they've walked my shoes. I'm thankful I have this person in my life.