being able to ask

I was reading a forum today and was taken back by what one member wrote. She was writing to inform others of a certain person that had emotionally scammed her and her family. After describing the person, she wrote the following:

“I confronted her today by phone and she went ballistic. But it was nice to finally ask one of these scammers ;Why are you doing this?’ even if she cussed and hung up on me.”

I want these people to know what our reasons are – although I believe that everyone’s story is different – that their reasons are different.

To put mine in just a few words, I did this because I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel cared about and wanted to feel wanted.

I’m not sure why I chose adoption – why I chose to find these things in adopting parents. I remember sitting in my high school career center and looking at profiles of adopting couples. I did not contact anyone until two or so years later. It was never in my mind to go ahead and lie to these folks, I remember feeling really badly for them, for not being able to have children and to be waiting for an expectant mother to find them.

I remember, a few years down the road from that - I was at work, sitting in the phone booth area and dialing the number of the first person I ever contacted. I remember being nervous to call, but wanting to call. The conversation was short. But I got so much out of it. The emails - I got so much out of them too.

For as far back as I can remember, I had no control over anyone loving and caring for me. It just didn’t happen as it should have, from my family. It seems that I had control over this and I could make sure that I was being loved and cared about. And it felt nice. It was also very ‘safe’ because that person wasn’t close to me – both in distance and in emotion.

I soaked up the caring and was doing really well emotionally for the first time, unfortunately at the loss and pain of someone else. After this particular situation was over, I did not understand what her loss looked like – I couldn’t see it. I didn’t know what it meant to her and to her family to want a baby – to have it in reach and then have that loss.

I didn’t know what it meant at all until I was emotionally more on track with individuals my age. The moment that I was in front of one of the people I hurt, it became apparent. I looked in her face, in her eyes and the pain was huge. I couldn’t not notice how much I had hurt her.

For some, they won't be able to see the pain they are causing until it's brought right in front of them - until they are able to be face to face with someone they've hurt. Because for some, only when you look at the pain that is apparent throughout their entire body - it just makes sense, they know what they've done. It won't stop everyone (because again, everyone has their own reasons for doing this) but those who are genuine, those who are suffering themselves - most will be able to tell.