struggling

Last night, I had a dream about the person I wrote the letter to.

In it, one of us called the other and we were chatting on the phone. Things seemed a little fuzzy in who we were and what we were talking about.

In the midst of my dream, I went over to her home and saw that she had a son – a little blonde haired boy around the age of four or five.

I kept staring at him and staring back at her.

We tried talking, but for someone reason, who I was, wasn’t apparent.

I felt very outside of this dream. I felt very unsafe in this dream. When I awoke this morning, those feelings were brought into my day. My safety feels like it has been rocked and I’ve been in a funky mood all day. And as I wondered if my letter had made it’s way to her home, I wondered if she ever moved back to the state in which she once lived. Right now, we live in the same state. The letter should’ve been there by now.

I never thought for a moment that their wouldn’t be a response to this letter. I know her very well – she knows me. Last we spoke, several years ago – things were fine. She was the last one to contact. I didn’t answer the phone because I was in therapy, but she left a message after one of my court proceedings.

Her message was encouraging, therapeutic and uplifting. The contents of it, I will not share, but she mentioned in it that from that point - she was hoping for a new start for the both of us.

My emotions and feelings have changed over the past few years. I will assume hers have as well. I cannot assume that she is not angry, that she doesn’t hold the feelings from what I’ve done. And with that, I also cannot assume that she hasn’t moved on. She might have. She might not want to reenter this time again. Perhaps she has gotten her closure – whatever she needed to move on.

For me, I haven’t. There is no closure to this and I hope that contacting her will provide that, even if I don’t get a response. I can’t seem to find my way out of whatever I’m in, without it.