an adoption scammer is …

There are two main types of adoption scammers (probably more) – I'll see if I can break it down.

Type 1 - is not pregnant and has emotional/mental reasons behind the reason they are pretending to be.

Type 2 - is pregnant (or not) and is looking to gain financial help during their pregnancy, but is not looking to place their child for adoption, but says they are.

I fall into type 1. There are emotional reasons why I made the decisions I did - why I ended up hurting several families. I didn't understand those reasons until much after I got caught and arrested. Even now, as I go through the different level of emotions, I am still unsure. Different parts of my past, part of my growing up - alter the way I feel about what I've done. The more I work through those past situations - the more I feel differently about what I did.

I'm not familiar with those who are in the 'type 2' category. I have read of people who have done that, but am not one myself - so will not focus on that.

I've heard people call us lots of different things, different names and place us under different categories. That is their feelings toward us - and that is fine. I'm not here to try to convince anyone that they should think one way of us. I do however, hope that people are able to step into my shoes or someone else like me - to take a moment and try to understand where we came from.

I remember reading a post on a forum about emotional scammers. It said that we were heartless, we lacked a conscious. It said that we were evil and it focused on how people like me were not worth existence or happiness. One poster wrote that we should be thrown in jail for our lifetime - that perhaps death would be more suitable.

I know that it all came from folks that have been hurt before by people like myself ... probably some that had recently been hurt. I am not sure how often something like this happens, but I've read many stories. I know that it doesn't happen to everyone. I think that everyone is different - both adopting families and adoption scammers ... that no two situations are alike. Emotions run differently, feelings are different, results are different. One person may be understanding towards the individual that scammed them and another might want death as their punishment.

In my own situation - I had several different types of people that were involved. I had one person that was all for the publicity of it and thought that going through those avenues would heal her heart. There was another family in which wrote a few emails expressing their sadness and heartbreak to me. There were two families that were told through their agency 'who I was' and what they thought I was doing. And because it went through them, we both weren't able to contact the other. And then the last person, understood. She really didn't understand why I made the choices I did, but was able to step back and forgive me for what I had done - for the pain I had caused her.

We, emotional scammers, are told many things - to our face, in emails, through forums, etc. about what others feel we are. But I will tell you what we are and what we are not ... I wrote this about two years ago:

"People don't understand so many things about emotional scammers. I've read so many things about us and how you analyze why we do it. You're all wrong.

You don't understand what we're going through unless you've gone through it yourself. We are not evil and we do not deserve to be punished in the way you all hope. How dare someone be punished in that way when they were trying to connect with someone? Instead of using your energy for punishment, please use it to try and get them help.

Getting angry with emotional scammers and 'threatening' them means nothing. We will come back at you another way. All we are looking for is someone to care about us because we either don't have anyone that does or we don't recognize it. If you're all as real as you say that you are, you will understand that everyone makes mistakes. And in our attempt to be loved - if we are redirected with understanding rather than hate - we will succeed. If you want us out of your lives and of those like you, please do this for us.

You may embarrass us by splashing our faces on the news, but you don't realize we've dealt and are dealing with pain that is worse than that. Our pain has always been deeper. I don't think you realize that when you talk badly about us or say mean things, you put is in the exact same place we started. You are causing us to reach out in another way. For those who don't have resourceful places, you lead us back to you or others like you.

My question is this: Would you punish your children for wanting to be loved and connected to you or someone else? Of course not. Would you wish them to prison for searching for that in others? Of course you wouldn't. Surely our situation is a bit more complicated, as there is the love and need of a child involved. But did you ever stop and think that someone else wanted something different, but as much as you do?"

I'm thankful that I had a wonderful psychologist to turn to. She was my only support through this. Her patience and her time was greatly appreciated and something I'd never be able to repay. There are times when I went into her office for one simple visit and I came out over an hour later. There are times she has had to speak with folks from the court, write letters to the judge, and to communicate with folks from my case. She was the only person in my life that I could count on and be truthful with. Without her support - I know that I would not have made it to where I am. I would not have made it all.

I know how desperate I was during this time - I know what it feels like for others that have gone through this or are going through this. I know that without professional help - the feelings of hopelessness and uncertainty will be there. I know that if there isn't support or caring from someone through this, they will most certainly fail.

I hope that just one adopting parent that has gone through something similar - will read this and will take a moment before jumping. I don't say no to help from authorities - I don't because I know that by going through all of that, is the only way that I stopped what I was doing. I will hope though, that perhaps these parents have some knowledge on what that scammer may be feeling and going through. We all need someone to be understanding throughout our lives, what makes this, us, any different?