Missing Germany

There are time throughout the day - that I just sit and think. Something hits my heart and all of a sudden, I go backwards.

Tonight, I miss Germany - or better yet, the person (my psychologist) in Germany.

Therapy is supposed to be about opening up, discovering and working through and on things. Right now, it is very much a place to go to in order to talk about the problems that occurred in the few weeks since my last visit. It is not her fault what so ever - I think it's just the mix of 'us'. We don't mix well, although I trust her and would rather see her at this point, than to start all over with a stranger.

Prior, therapy was 'my spot' to go to when I felt any emotion that I thought I needed to work through. It is the place that I felt safe - felt at home. I trusted that ‘Germany’ was telling me what I needed to know - that she was guiding me into the future I was meant to be in.

There are several people that have told me that they thought that the relationship between Germany and I wasn't good - wasn't healthy. I had one person (meaning well) tell me that she is causing me more harm than good at this point - that I should look towards backing away.

Our 'relationship' was never 'normal'. She always cared more than I thought any other therapist would. She went above and beyond what someone in her position would. She has a very big heart and hugely inspirational.

I never thought we were 'friends' or anything of the like. I most definitely always thought we were 'therapist' and 'client' - although not the 'normal' type. And I most definitely think that's okay. I think that having a 'normal' psychologist would have been the wrong thing for me at that time. I needed someone human. I needed someone that saw me as a real person. I needed someone to understand the pain I went through as I walked down the street, went into work - after getting arrested. I needed someone to watch television shows that pertained to my situation - to be able to put themselves in my shoes.

And she did this - she did all of this. She talked me through a really rough time while shopping for refrigerators. She called me after watching the television show I was questioning her about. She offered me comfort in so many forms - one of the most used being hugs. I was in desperate in need of physical comfort - not getting it from family or friends - not feeling safe with others. I trusted her - I felt safe with her.

I miss her ... from the safety and comfort to the understanding and non-judgmental point of view. There just aren't many out there that are like her. I wish more were - people would be a bit more successful in their recovery - their healing.

I'm fortunate - to have had her throughout my life. I'm appreciative of all the hard work she put into therapy with me - it surely wasn't easy. I'm thankful that I was able to find someone like her to help me and be there for me in my recovery. I'm glad I got the care and concern - mainly because I could have gone in a completely different direction if it were anything else, even a little different.

I hope that others that have gone down or will soon go down the same path I have - will find someone like that in their lives - will be open to trusting and taking in that kind of caring.

My life would be completely different if I had gone somewhere different - with someone different. I'm afraid it may not have been positive by any means.