the other day

The other morning, I was getting ready for work – going about my usual routine. And out of nowhere, my mind went back to thinking about one of the last person I scammed. Tears came streaming down my face and they wouldn’t stop. I let them fall as my mind wandered backwards into the last time I saw her.

She comes into my mind often, as she is probably the person I feel most responsible for – the person I feel extremely badly for – because I hurt her so badly. I hurt several people and I feel badly for each one of them, but she is different and I cannot really explain how or why.

Well, perhaps I could.

She forgave me for what I have done to her. She looked at me in the face and told me that she didn’t understand why I did it, but that she forgives me. I remember crying as she stood in front of me, not knowing what to say other than, “I’m sorry”. She spoke for the most part and said that she knew I was sorry and asked that I never do it again.

One of the reasons I found myself in this spot was because I was searching for love. I didn’t much care where it came from as long as it felt safe and that I had control of it. And this felt ‘safe’ to me. I didn’t have to see the person I was talking to. I didn’t think I’d ever have to meet them. I could always keep a distance – and that allowed me to ‘control’ it. It seemed like they needed something as much as I needed something. I didn’t know that I’d be hurting them so badly in the end. I realized that when I got caught – when I looked into the faces of the people I hurt. For that, I’m thankful that I was caught.

But as we stood in front of one another, tears falling from both of our faces, she grabbed and held my hands. She told me that she cared about me and that she loved me – for me, not the person I was pretending to be.

I had no idea at that time what those words would do for me while I was in recovery. They have comforted me, have helped me heal and have still left me very sorry for what I’ve done.

She remains in my heart, not necessarily just as the person I once scammed, but as a human being, as a survivor and a person full of strength. I thanked her for what she said back at that time. She hugged me tight and told me once again that she forgave me. For whatever reason, she won’t leave my mind or heart. I don’t want to forget her, but it sometimes feels like I cannot move forward if she remains in those places.

I wonder if she thinks about me too, if she still thinks about what she once did. When I think of her, I don’t always think of the pain I caused her. I wonder if it’s the same for her as well.