the judge

I remember standing in front of the judge.

I was arrested the night before.

I walked out with my ankles in shackles.

I remember my fathers face and the tears that were streaming down his cheeks.

There is barely anything more painful than knowing you have disappointed a parent.

The judge looked at me, told me that this was the worst case he has handled and the worst he has heard about.

I couldn’t say anything – I wasn’t allowed to.

If I could go back, I would have spoken up. I would have told him that this was not the worst thing anyone has done. I would tell him that what I did wasn’t good, however, I’m sure it might beat out murder. I would tell him that he has no idea how his words would crush the spirit of someone that really was only reaching out and searching for the help I needed. I would tell him that what I did was not fair or okay, but that his harsh words weren’t either.

I would tell him that he has no idea who I am or what I’ve been through. He has no idea what has brought me to this place. I would tell him that he has no idea who I am and where I’m going.

I would tell him to find me in a few years and see how much I’ve grown. I would tell him to take a chance on someone – someone that made a really huge mistake. I would tell him that it’s silly to think no one else has ever made mistakes – that surely he too, has made some of his own.

I like to think that this particular judge didn’t mean what he said – that he doesn’t treat other people as he did me. I would hope he doesn’t ruin someone else’s journey to recovery – because it would have been just as easy to have fallen backwards.

Hopefully, he never encounters someone else that is lost, someone that just needs a second chance, someone that is begging for help in one way or another. Hopefully he will take the time to listen and give them help.

I like to think he was only saying what he did because a reporter was in the courtroom – perhaps that was his time in the spotlight. My story gave him plenty of ‘light’.

I wonder if he thought it was worth it.