taking a vacation

I recently took a vacation.

I spent eight days with my siblings, father, step mother and cousins in the Caribbean.

I haven’t felt surrounded by that much peace in several years.

After being caught, I felt that everyone knew who I was because it was on the news. My name was being used quite often. My story was being told. What was really a personal and private matter between the people I hurt and myself, was brought out to the world.

Questions follow every new experience in my life; new job positions, new volunteer opportunities, new friends, etc. Each one of those things practically brings me to my knees in shaky nerves. Each one of those things brings up my past – my mistakes.

What I did never leaves me. Each corner I turn – each path I follow. I am sure that there are plenty of people that feel that this should be the case, but I ask that you imagine your biggest mistakes … remember the people you hurt and to take that and publicly display it. Imagine it is something that each person you meet, will know. Imagine all the world you’ve done to get past that mistake, but still, people judge you on that mistake – even years down the road. It doesn’t feel very good and it’s hard to move forward.

I cannot change the past – I don’t intend to try. For many reasons, I wouldn’t change it even if I could.

This is why this vacation was so unique, so relaxed, so needed. It left me feeling free. No one knew me and it didn’t matter if they did. I felt like I was in a completely different place – both physically and mentally. I felt far away from the world and I didn’t think about what I had done our entire trip. I could walk down the road, sit on the beach, and take pictures … all without people knowing me.

You may not understand, but I believe feeling that free pushes me further into recovery. One day I will find that kind of peace within myself and I won’t have to run away across the globe to find it.